Sometimes I forget how ignorant people can be.

I have my beliefs, but I don't shove them in people's faces, because that's not my right. And honestly, I don't think that the same belief system can work for everybody. So I can respect people's thoughts and feelings as independent ideas.

Which is why I think it's hurting so much right now for someone who I have known for my entire life to tell me that because I'm Catholic everything I say is a lie. We're fucking family. He knows how I've been raised, and how hard it's been for me to find my way through everything that has happened. He knew that what he said would hurt. But he did it anyway. To go on a freaking rant about how I must be conservative and the government is screwed because of "people like me" is so ridiculously unnecessary.



I'm just beyond pissed.

It's like everytime I think "oh! it will work out this time, and everything will happen the  way it was supposed to!" something messes it up.

I guess I'm home for another month...but still...

It's here. And it's absolutely terrifying.

I guess this anticipation started with a MasterCard commercial when i was four. It was when those ...priceless things first started. School supplies... 82 dollars on MasterCard. Private school uniform... 163 dollars on MasterCard. Acceptance letter from Harvard... priceless. I asked if Harvard was a good school. The answer, of course, yes. Well, that was where I was going.

But can you really hold a four year old to her word? I know that's what I said I wanted... but I was so naive. My expectations were completely unreasonable, and people led me to believe all my life that I was deserving. But now as senior year gets closer and closer I realize that I'm not getting in. And I did it to myself. A year ago, I could have done it easily. But not after this year. Everything fell apart and is still lying in broken pieces on the floor after this year. And the admissions staff really isn't going to give a flying shit. Can you blame them?

So why shouldn't I lower my aspirations? Why set myself up for disappointment? I don't understand why people think I can pull this out of my ass. I can't. It's over. I need to focus on being reasonable now. But no one seems to get it. No, I can't apply to all Ivies. Yale cannot be my safety school. Why? Because everything, everything, I had was taken away this year. I am an empty, worthless, shell of a person. A sobbing sack of skin. And that's not marketable. And I can't pull off the pity thing. Not if I want to keep my dignity. And any self respect that I've managed to maintain after everything I've put myself through.


I find it ironic that the one time I think rationally, I'm told constantly that I'm being retarded.


I tell myself that I still want it so badly. But to everyone else, "it's not the place for me." And I haven't done anything to redeem myself. And actions speak louder than words.


This is all the pressure that has built up over the years. I'm supposed to be something. I have to show results of all the sacrifices people have made for me to make the most of myself. All I have to show now are a bunch of counseling notes, a bootleg GPA, and some funeral cards. They won't understand what I've been through.



I don't know what to write my essays about. Because exciting to me is the labeling on the Burt's Bees products changing. Not life-altering. And I won't complain about the things that are. At least not to anyone there.

I can't get comfortable in this mess.



I'm tired. I was up too late last night. Hyannis again tonight because we went to the movies instead of shopping last night. And Pirates of the Caribbean is wicked good. I was happy. Yayy for being happy with movies.

Lately, (for some reason because it happened a loong time ago now) a lot of people, most of whom I really don't know at all, have been asking me stupid, intrusive questions about some things that happened this year, and it's a little disturbing honestly. I mean, I understand curiosity and such, but the rumors that have been brought to my attention made me feel like the record needs to be set straight. And anyone who so desperately wants to know about my life reads this, because such is the way of Exonians, so here it is. If you don't have any idea what I'm talking about then don't click the cut, because to put it plainly, you'll be bored out of your mind, because I'm probably not going to give any really juicy details or names in here. Apparently, you can turn to the rumor mill for that.